This Parenting Stuff

There is something that has been weighting on my mind for some time now.

As a mom, I realize that I have a huge responsibility to raise my children right.  Whatever that means. 

There are many definitions about what is “right” when it comes to being a parent.  Some think ‘right” is making sure they are fed and clothed and that is it.  Others think that keeping a stern thumb on their kids is “right”.  Others think that as long as they are productive members of society they have done their job.  I am not sure where I fall on that spectrum-other than that I want my boys to feel ok about who they are, and that they will be doing things they love as adults.

But herein lies the rub.  I will not know if I raised them right until they are adults and on their own.  I cannot go back and have a re-do.  I must do it right the first time.  This causes all sorts of angst in my heart and mind.

What if the time I sent Buzz up to his room for hitting his brother, only to find out later that LegoMaster hit him first, wrecked his precious spirit?  How am I supposed to get that back?  How am I supposed to know if the discipline I enforced was OK?

How am I to know if giving up kiddie music class squelched a musical prodigy who could have gone to college on a bassoon scholarship?  Or even a kid who can keep the beat when dancing at a middle school dance?

What if the homemade food I made with all good intentions gave them too much insecticides that I never even knew about?  Or if Buzz’s sugar fascination is one that I enforced because he was the second child and I did not follow the rules about refined sugar as good as I did with LegoMaster.

I recently have been wondering about some other big things regarding emotional and social development. 

For example, I am not the one who “gets” many socials situations.  When watching The Sopranos years ago, I had to watch them on VCR tapes so that I could stop the show and gaze into DadOfAllTrades beautiful blue eyes and ask “What the heck just happened?  Who is _______?”  This happened at least twice an episode and thank goodness DadOfAllTrades is patient and needs a break in his shows to get popcorn.  Me stopping to ask gave him an excuse to fire up the microwave and pour a beer while he was explaining the storyline to me.  So for me to have to teach them how to recognize the social subtleties in life makes me get night sweats.

I have trouble helping LegoMaster learn how to meet people.  This, I am painfully aware of, is completely and wholly my feeling of inadequacy around those who appear to know what they are doing.  I walk into a crowd and immediately begin comparing myself to other folks, mostly in a self-depreciating kind of way.  Like “Wow!  She looks great with that haircut.  How come I look like a drowned rat?  I hope they don’t notice that my hair is flat today.”  Or “That is a REALLY cool shirt.  I wish I could wear something like that without looking like a sausage with lumps.”  It is a challenge to me to appear brave to my children so that they gain appropriate social courage and enter a crowd with a friendly “My name is LegoMaster and I would like to meet you.”  Or something like that.

How am I supposed to teach them how to confront someone when they are uncomfortable if I get chicken skin at the mere thought of bringing up an uncomfortable subject?    Let alone walking into the school and telling the Assistant Principal that I feel she messed up (not in so many words, but as a parent …)

The pressures of raising a human are huge.  I have to teach them how to eat with a spoon and use their napkin.  I have to teach them how to ask to play with another on the playground.  I have to teach them about God’s love.  I have to teach them that ‘no I can’t play’ does not always mean ‘I don’t like you’.  I have to teach them how to tie their shoes and how to choose appropriate footwear for the weather.  I have to teach them the ins-and-outs of eating healthy.  I have to teach them how to play chess.  I have to teach them how to write a thank you letter.  I have to teach them how to say “no” like you mean it even when you don’t know if you do or not.  (That one is so hard for me.  PTO here I come. )  I have to teach them how to wipe their bottoms.   I have to teach them that there are certain choices that may be difficult to make, but we make them because they are the right thing to do.  I have to teach them that burping at a dinner table is not acceptable in this culture.

 

And on…

Isn't there a point as a parent when one has to have faith in what God gave them?  There are many prayers said on my end regarding finding the right words at the right time with the right amount of patience.  And He has been good to me.  I have become less afraid of the confrontation; with my children at least.  And He has given me thicker skin to weather all the “You’re a mean mom”S and the “I am never going to play with you again!”S that my boys utter but don’t really mean.

One of my Aunts, who is an outspoken type of ex-CFO lady, recalls that her parents were never as concerned about their emotional upbringing as parents of today seem to be.  Is this why I have such problems with teaching social skills to my kids?  Maybe I have never been taught them myself and I am blundering around all on my own.  Not that my parents didn’t do a great job-I thank the Lord for my blessings in them daily-but we all have something that we are not that good at and maybe this is the thing they could not do.  And maybe this is the thing I focus on because I didn’t get it as a child and I don’t want my kids to feel alone and worthless.

The only thing I have to hold on to is the feeling of remorse when there is something I did “wrong”.  I do believe that I have been given super-sensory powers to detect when I have hurt my little ones as soon as I gave birth.  Not the feeling of my heart tearing out of my body when my five year old howls as he is sent to his room for making a mistake and hitting his brother.  That kind of pain I can deal with because I know it is for a better good.  The type of perception I am talking about are those feelings of guilt when I may have gone too far in being angry.  Those feelings of immediately wanting to take back what I said about taking a favorite toy away “if you don’t behave!!!”  The feelings of helplessness when I hear that my boy played by himself on the playground at recess because he forgot his snowpants and everyone else was playing on the snow piles.

As I said at the beginning, I will not know if what I am doing now is good or bad until they venture out on their own.  I have to hold on to faith that God has given me everything I need to mold these young men into “good” adults.  I have to hold on to the truth of His word that He has “plans for me...  Plans to prosper me and not harm me and give me hope and a future.” (from Jeremiah 29)  I have to live out the life that he has given me and trust with all that I have that I possess what I need to raise these boys “right”.

This parenting stuff is hard.  But, I truly think, I am “harder”!