Sad News

Ok, so I have to admit that I am pretty sad right now. 

Just after my last post, the dog fell down the stairs and I found him at 4am whimpering and lying in a pool of his own urine.  I knew at that moment he was not going to be around much longer.  He is old and does not get around very well anyway, let alone after a scary fall.  He was stumbling around and not using his hind legs very well once I got him upright.  Turns out he probably had some degenerative nerve problem in that his brain knew what it wanted his rear end to do, but it could not tell it what it wanted.

After a day of my heart being pulled out of my body watching him try to walk, DadOfAllTrades also knew that this was it.  We had to euthanize him to end his suffering.  That is the worst, worst, worst thing I have ever had to decide in my life so far.  My horse and my cat, who I had to do the same thing to, were not so hard to take.  They were both really sick, loosing lots of weight and in pain. 

The dog still wanted to play.  Ugh.

I really am writing to tell of some things that have made this whole process easier to take.

I had to tell the boys right before they went to bed the night before.  LegoMaster, in the past, appeared that he could take or leave having a dog.  He did look like he had been punched in the gut once he knew, but he didn’t ask a lot of questions.  Typical of his stoic self.  Once I got into his room after he had gotten himself into bed I noticed he was staring at the ceiling.  I asked “What are you thinking?”  What I wanted to do was let him express his sorrow or anger or whatever it is that little boys think when they hear their dog is about to die.  What he said was “I am thinking that I have to do some subtraction.” 

It took every ounce of my being not to laugh out loud, to help him gather the materials he needed to “do subtraction”.

Second, Buzz has made this time livable by giving hugs and saying that he knows we are sad.  DadOfAllTrades had to put a stop to it, however, when Buzz started saying it every five minutes.  The boys spent the afternoon playing outside.  They shot marshmallows (If you have not done this before, it is totally worth it.  One does not shoot a marshmallow with a gun.  One uses their own air to launch a mini marshmallow out of a pvc fashioned launcher.)  They got out the basketball hoop and re-filled the bottom so they could shoot baskets.  They got out their bikes and zoomed around.  Here is when Buzz had a problem.

Buzz misjudged how long it would take to stop the bike and he ran into the garage, but not at full speed.  He shot forward and hit his ‘junk’ on the bar.  It was not an injurious hit, but enough to make him wince and run inside for his cup and athletic supporter.  Buzz has not been unprotected ever since.  Really, he has been wearing the thing 24/7.  Even when he sleeps.  I would imagine this is not that comfortable, but when one wants to protect…

This has made me focus on what is right in front of me rather than where my mind might wander.  Under these circumstances in the past, I have laid down in bed and stayed there away from phones, others, distractions, until I feel ready to face the world without tears.   I don't have that luxury this time as I have two little boys who are watching.  I must 'put on my big girl pants' as a friend of my says, and act like an adult.  Sometimes being the adult sucks, though.

Now, if you will excuse me,  DadOfAllTrades has brought me a stack of photos of the dog that he wants in a scrapbook and I must go cry.